Look Good by Pointing

The importance of pointing accurately and repeatedly during any expedition cannot be stressed enough. Pointing facilitates extremely vital functions including identification, navigation, investigation, education, revelation, recommendation, and nasal cavity clearance. As indispensible as hese functions may be, we should also keep in mind that for as long as man has been in the business of exploration, pointing has made him look super cool. Take, for instance, the iconic figures of Meriweater Lewis and William Clark as they blaze a trail to the interior of North America. If they had not pointed with nearly perpetual regularity, we would probably not know their names today.

Clark: You see that? Ten bucks says it's edible.

Lewis and Clark are the Ameican masters of pointing, but what good is their mastery if it dies with them. Good pointers are good teachers, and you will seldom find a good teacher that is not a good pointer. We have reason to believe this is the case since Lewis and Clark taught other members of their expedition to point. They even let the occassional Squaw point out a few things...though they generally disregarded the input because of her non-sensical commentary. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but if the words aren't worth the air required to produce them, you can bet the picture will not be too valuable either.

Sacajawea: If I dropped my papoose, I would check the lost and found over there.

Sacajawea: Is that a man or a woman? I can't tell.

Do you think that Bed, Bath and Beyond is open?

There are individuals in contemporary society that have developed an expertise in the art of pointing, Brendan being the subject with whom I am most familiar. This proficiency was no-doubt acquired over the course of a miliary education, but the same principles translate into civilian purposes.

Military: Fire a sabot round through that tank.
Civilian: We need to run like hell from that tank.

Military: Let's storm this hill.
Civilian: I'm too tired to walk up this hill.

Military: I can't believe they let that guy in the military.
Civilian: I can't believe they let that guy in the military.

Some translations are perfect 1 for 1 translations.

Brendan: I can see my house from here.

Brendan: That is where babies come from.

Amy: I don't want to be right there.

HOW NOT TO POINT

I hate to pick on people (lie), but there is a wrong way to point.

1) The No-Look Point - It lacks any information conveying property of the point.

Kyle: Look at that...whatever it is...I don't know because I'm not looking at it.

Kyle: Look at it! I don't know what the pronoun it refers to in this sentence, but do it anyways!

2) The Cocky Point - Pointing at the camera isn't fun. It is rude.

Mothers always say, "it's rude to point."

 Kyle pointing at a perfect stranger who kindly agreed to photograph us.

Kyle pointing at a guy in a wheelchair on top of Rainier. Shame on you Kyle.

Eventually the ecstacy of Kyle's achievement wears off and he returns to the no-look point.

Kyle: I think that's the way down, but I'm not going to look and make sure.

I don't want to pick on Kyle. After all, I'm as guilty as the next man of the no-look point. In fact, I would say the image below is more condemning because I was blatantly performing the no-look point on purpose. It is own thing to ignorantly perform the no-look point, but I was doing so simply out of rebellion. It's called sin.

Evan is wrist deep in hesitation. Riding the fence. Non-commital.

Evan: Um...uh...which way is down again.

Me: It is right over here

3) Disco Point - Be a man. Don't point with your hand AND your hip.

Mat: There'th food thith way fellath.

Pointing is a powerful tool for being cool.

BUT BEWARE!!! 

You might end up looking like a real dick-tater.

Notice the bag of jerky under his arm. Perpetual grazing AND pointing!

Boo-yah!

---Sean W. Richardson

Bear Grylls Eats Anything

Unidentified Objects

Raw Mammal Organs

Uncomfortably Fresh Fish

Reptiles

Zebra Corpses



*No insect, arachnid, grub, worm, etc. are pictured due to sheer volume of hard drive memory required to store photographs.

Solid Logic

Brendan Thompson (A Lesson on Perpetual Grazing)

It has been said that an army is run on its stomach. Successful soldiers understand this concept and apply it liberally to their own lives, as they liberally apply firepower to the enemy. History is replete with examples.

Why did the Japanese lose WW2? No, not the bomb. They ran out of ginger and wasabi. Why did the Mongols stop short of conquering Europe? Peanuts. No more peanuts. Why hasn't Antarctica ever ruled the world? No one eats penguin! That's why! Israel has its manna and Ecuador has its banana.

You might be asking yourself, "So where should we look for a success story? Who should I model myself after when traversing the battlefield of life?" Well, look no further. We know that an army is run on its stomach, but I tell you this. Tank Commanders in the Washington State National Guard are no exception.

May I Introduce:

The Guru of Gorging

The Master of Masticating

The Icon of Ingestion

The Don of Digestion

The Teacher of Teething

The Boss of Bowel Movements

Your Friend and Mine

The Illustrious Brendan Thompson.

Ta Da.



The ancient Chinese military General, Sun Tzu, wrote The Art of War. If that was his military masterpiece, then The Art of Perpetual Grazing is that of the modern American soldier, Brendan Thompson. Its magnificence renders Sun Tzu nearly illiterate by comparison. Also, the Art of War is technically a picture book.

Perpetual grazing is a concept designed to enable America's fighting men and women to realize their maximum potential. Ask any competent soldier what they think about perpetual grazing. They will first raise their hand to indicate they need time to finish chewing. Once they have chewed and swallowed their most recent mouthful, they will simply ask 'What do you think?' Its a homeland security phenomenon ladies and gentlemen.

The technique is simple, and yet so few of us fully grasp its consequence. Keep eating and don't stop until you're ready to die and be eaten by some woodland creature that is applying the art of perpetual grazing to its own furry little life. This isn't a sprint of immense proportion. It is a marathon of tasty portions. Brendan is so adept at his craft that he is rarely photographed with an empty hand, mouth or esophagus.

Here Brendan illustrates the technique under mountain reconnaissance conditions.

Step 1: Locate nutrient source.

Step 2: Shove sustenance in mouth.

Step 3: Beat food with teeth until it releases its precious vitamins.

Step 4: Swallow and immediately inquire about more food in close proximity.

I realize that the image for Step 1 implies that you are the food source, but cannibalism is strictly frowned upon during any and almost all excursions.

I have personally implemented the Brendan Thompson Perpetual Grazing Strategy in my life. I keep gummy bears in my coat pockets. Things may get sticky when it rains, but they won't get weak and ineffective like Saddam's Republican Guard. I also keep oranges and mixed nuts in my desk drawers. This keeps me high in protein and low on scurvy, unlike Kim Jong Il's Navy.

Brendan eating at dusk. Don't let nightfall hamper your intake.

Brendan eating next to a smurf wearing plaid shorts.

Where are we now? You have the plan. You know the man. You need a pan.

Get out there and immediately ravage your nearest 24-hour Winco, Safeway, IGA or QFC. I'm talking starches, proteins, fiber, vitamins, minerals, fluids, highly refined sugars, and those sweet drip off your lip fats. Eat it fried or dried. Grab a roast or toast. Conquer those giants. A well-fed army is a successful army. You wouldn't want to turn out like the French, would you?

Brendan choking down a chicken tamale on Mt. Rainier.

Is he wearing a shirt? Is he not wearing a shirt? Does it really matter? The answer to all of these questions is no. What matters is that sweet, sweet chicken tamale he is destroying.

Ask not what your country can eat for you, but what you can eat for your country.

God Bless America