Brendan Thompson (A Lesson on Perpetual Grazing)

It has been said that an army is run on its stomach. Successful soldiers understand this concept and apply it liberally to their own lives, as they liberally apply firepower to the enemy. History is replete with examples.

Why did the Japanese lose WW2? No, not the bomb. They ran out of ginger and wasabi. Why did the Mongols stop short of conquering Europe? Peanuts. No more peanuts. Why hasn't Antarctica ever ruled the world? No one eats penguin! That's why! Israel has its manna and Ecuador has its banana.

You might be asking yourself, "So where should we look for a success story? Who should I model myself after when traversing the battlefield of life?" Well, look no further. We know that an army is run on its stomach, but I tell you this. Tank Commanders in the Washington State National Guard are no exception.

May I Introduce:

The Guru of Gorging

The Master of Masticating

The Icon of Ingestion

The Don of Digestion

The Teacher of Teething

The Boss of Bowel Movements

Your Friend and Mine

The Illustrious Brendan Thompson.

Ta Da.



The ancient Chinese military General, Sun Tzu, wrote The Art of War. If that was his military masterpiece, then The Art of Perpetual Grazing is that of the modern American soldier, Brendan Thompson. Its magnificence renders Sun Tzu nearly illiterate by comparison. Also, the Art of War is technically a picture book.

Perpetual grazing is a concept designed to enable America's fighting men and women to realize their maximum potential. Ask any competent soldier what they think about perpetual grazing. They will first raise their hand to indicate they need time to finish chewing. Once they have chewed and swallowed their most recent mouthful, they will simply ask 'What do you think?' Its a homeland security phenomenon ladies and gentlemen.

The technique is simple, and yet so few of us fully grasp its consequence. Keep eating and don't stop until you're ready to die and be eaten by some woodland creature that is applying the art of perpetual grazing to its own furry little life. This isn't a sprint of immense proportion. It is a marathon of tasty portions. Brendan is so adept at his craft that he is rarely photographed with an empty hand, mouth or esophagus.

Here Brendan illustrates the technique under mountain reconnaissance conditions.

Step 1: Locate nutrient source.

Step 2: Shove sustenance in mouth.

Step 3: Beat food with teeth until it releases its precious vitamins.

Step 4: Swallow and immediately inquire about more food in close proximity.

I realize that the image for Step 1 implies that you are the food source, but cannibalism is strictly frowned upon during any and almost all excursions.

I have personally implemented the Brendan Thompson Perpetual Grazing Strategy in my life. I keep gummy bears in my coat pockets. Things may get sticky when it rains, but they won't get weak and ineffective like Saddam's Republican Guard. I also keep oranges and mixed nuts in my desk drawers. This keeps me high in protein and low on scurvy, unlike Kim Jong Il's Navy.

Brendan eating at dusk. Don't let nightfall hamper your intake.

Brendan eating next to a smurf wearing plaid shorts.

Where are we now? You have the plan. You know the man. You need a pan.

Get out there and immediately ravage your nearest 24-hour Winco, Safeway, IGA or QFC. I'm talking starches, proteins, fiber, vitamins, minerals, fluids, highly refined sugars, and those sweet drip off your lip fats. Eat it fried or dried. Grab a roast or toast. Conquer those giants. A well-fed army is a successful army. You wouldn't want to turn out like the French, would you?

Brendan choking down a chicken tamale on Mt. Rainier.

Is he wearing a shirt? Is he not wearing a shirt? Does it really matter? The answer to all of these questions is no. What matters is that sweet, sweet chicken tamale he is destroying.

Ask not what your country can eat for you, but what you can eat for your country.

God Bless America